A Political Bestiary

cocakatoo-baby-500ELECTION HUMOR — Posted October 25, 2010

The current political environment has spawned some strange denizens during the last ten years.  Here is a list I have recently compiled of flora and fauna that truly challenge the imagination.

The Century Bird

A giant buzzard that believes itself to be a noble predator.It prospers greatly in times of war, and is most concerned with feathering its own nest.

Retreat-Ants

A species of ant that occupies whole countries. Known for making elaborate preparations to depart, their numbers nevertheless continually increase.Impossible to eradicate.

Rouge-Barb

A strange carnivorous plant that originated in Alaska.Now growing outside its native range, it assumes the shape of an attractive human female.The Rouge-Barb’s soft, fleshy exterior covers a network of killing spikes.Encountered only in the wild, it is primarily a hazard to lonely hunters, who attempt to embrace it, only to be impaled on its spikes — a truly horrifying spectacle.

Sneerons

Thriving only in captivity, and like sloths in appearance, these creatures live entirely on the food provided by their masters, and make disgusting faces if offered anything else.In times of hunger, they will consume the feces of their own kind.

Snits

Snits are small, furry creatures that defend against incursions to their territory by falling on the ground, rolling in apparent mortal agony, and accusing the interloper of being the cause of their suffering.Snits are related to Snorts, that use a similar gambit to scare off intruders — huffing and puffing in an appearance of taking great offense at the temerity of the interloper for daring to question the integrity of their home-ground.

The Pumpadillo

A small, leathery bird that puffs itself up to enormous size and becomes airborne by inflating itself with intestinal gasses.Once on the wing, the Pumpadillo emits a nauseating simulation of human speech from its anus.Pumpadillos primarily unleash their gaseous effluvia in explosive, expletive-laced rants, but also enunciate clearly and pride themselves on pronouncing long words like socialism.If questioned, they fall back on repeating three proper names — “Obama, Pelosi, and Reid,” interspersed with noun-phrases like “big government,” and “federal reserve,” often capped with a commanding imperative statement like, “take back your country!” Pumpadillos can actually be programmed by commercial sponsors as well, and generate advertising revenue.Recently Pumpadillos have greatly grown in population, thanks to the foolish listeners who feed them.

The Murd-Roc

An immensely powerful bird, of which there is only one, born from a mysterious cybernetic egg found in Australia.The Murd-Roc flies so high that it roosts on satellites.It hypnotizes whole populations with its electronic eyes, and repeatedly terrifies all who hear it with horrible shrieks that have the power to invoke visions of imminent disaster.The true intentions of the Murd-Roc are unknown, but to the extent they correspond to its methods, the prognosis for human survival is not good.

The Brewer-Bird (AKA Border Coot)

This ungainly bird is a native of the southwestern states with strange habits.The Brewer-Bird is easy to photograph, because although gregarious among its own kind, it often freezes and falls silent if a camera is pointed in its direction.Best known for its loyalty to defending borders, real or imagined, the Brewer-Bird can be confined to any area by drawing a line in the dirt, which it will defend tirelessly.If enclosed in a circle, it will walk around the inside perimeter to the exclusion of all other activity.For reasons best known to itself, the Border Coot has a morbid fear of being beheaded, even though it does not taste at all like chicken.